17 Types of Claimants' Attorneys

1. Attorney Nutty Litigator: This claimants’ attorney is a nutty litigator. He or she has sued his or her associate, his or her neighbor’s dog, an SSA Deputy Commissioner, the local ODAR Hearing Office Manager, and his or her shadow.

2. Attorney NOSSCR Elder Statesman: This claimants’ attorney has been a NOSSCR member since its founding. Advice and opinions saturated with wisdom. No known detractors. No skeleton in closet.

3. Attorney Held Together By Office Manager: This claimants’ attorney is his or her clients’ attorney only in name. The attorney is held together by his or her office manager. The office manager is the attorney. The office manager does everything representation requires other than sit at the hearing table. ODAR, the attorney’s spouse, and medical professionals talk almost exclusively to the office manager.

4. Attorney ODAR Backlog Too Long To Retire: This claimants’ attorney has been planning to retire but the delay for hearings makes the back benefits too attractive to forego.

5. Attorney Mensch: This claimants’ attorney is a Nice Fellow/Gal. Married for thirty-four years to same spouse. Children rush home on holidays. Just happens to practice Social Security law. Would do anything with equal skill, honor, and dedication.

6. Attorney Never Lost a Case: This claimants’ attorney has literally never lost a single case. Before taking on a client, the attorney has a fully developed evidentiary record. Once a fully favorable decision is an absolute certainty, the attorney signs the client up. Handles about twenty claims a year.

7. Attorney Past His/Her Prime: This claimants’ attorney has lost his or her edge. Prone to tell stories in ODAR waiting rooms about life before the Grids. Does not cite a case decided after 1985. Cites SSR 88-13. instead of SSR 96-7p.

8. Attorney Pain: This claimants’ attorney says one and only one thing. “Judge, this is a PAIN case. PAIN. This is a PAIN case Judge.” Talks about PAIN even when claimant has none.

9. Attorney I Am Successful: This claimants’ attorney tells everyone that he or she is very, VERY successful, financially, professionally, sexually.... This attorney attends NOSSCR conferences, but does not attend workshops. Instead, he or she prowls the lobby, telling anyone passing by, “I already know everything.”

10. Attorney Scumbag Sleazeball Lying Sack of S***: (Only a man.) This claimants’ attorney knows only larceny and lies. Steals from claimants, his secretary, his siblings, and the corner convenience store. Lies with the ease and enthusiasm of a psychopath. Lies about anything and everything. His receptionist’s main duty is to lie to callers about attorney’s whereabouts. Divorced three times. Fired by each of his divorce lawyers. Stiffed them first.

11. Attorney Extra Super Overachiever: This claimants’ attorney does perfectly three times as much as ordinary claimants’ attorneys. Four patented inventions in manufacturing. On board of directors of three non-profit organizations. Triathlon coach. Has Ph.D. in Linguistics.

12. Attorney Vietnam: The defining fact for this attorney is what he did during Vietnam. Where did he serve? Why didn’t he serve?

13. Attorney Proof of Non-disability: This claimants’ attorney has more disabilities than 80% of his or her clients. Doesn’t take offense when the non-disabled ask him or her how he or she can be so accomplished. Knows that 98% of claimants’ attorneys don’t really know what disability is.

14. Attorney Pickled: This claimants’ attorney drinks so much that he or she must avoid smokers and carpets for fear of ignition.

15. Attorney Republican: This claimants’ attorney tells anyone and everyone at the drop of a hat that he or she is a REPUBLICAN. Just because the attorney works 60 hours each week helping poor people get government benefits doesn’t mean that the attorney is a Democrat. And, just for the record, this attorney is philosophically and politically opposed to giving poor people government benefits. Just for the record.

16. Attorney Tightwad: This claimants’ attorney is cheap, cheap, cheap. Shops at garage sales and Goodwill for suits, shirts, shoes, and, yes, even underwear. Plunders dumpsters for boxes – Bankers boxes are an extravagance. Brown bags lunch. Walks ten blocks to avoid paying for parking. Uses metal folding chairs in office. For special occasions, drinks microwaved instant coffee from cheap hotels and sweetener swiped from Dunkin’ Donuts.

17. Attorney Advertiser: This claimants’ attorney does two things – advertise and screen clients. The business model is based on generating new clients, doing minimal record development, and using low-paid attorneys and non-attorneys to do mini-dog-and-pony shows. Attorney is very wealthy and secretive.